November Self Reflection – Post Wedding Thoughts

I’m not sure what it is about November.

It’s always been a month full of the most trying times and the best of times.

November 2016 was the final end to my nearly decade long relationship.

November 2017, was packed with adventure – New York, L.A. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but I remember not knowing exactly how to get there.

November 2018, I struggled in a new job that I didn’t love, working in a place that didn’t feel like the right fit. I was also just coming off of working an election and subsequently being unemployed for three months. I was getting sick all the time and I had a job many would say I was lucky to have, but I wasn’t happy.

November 2019, I got married. The four-day long series of events were beautiful and came together better than I had expected but the process leading up to the four days from the emotional to the financial aspect of it all was the most taxing thing I’ve experienced.

And this is where I wanted to take a deeper dive.

A lot of people talk about the amazing things that come with being a bride but many of us stay silent when it comes to talking about the other aspects of it. Why do so many brides-to-be experience anxiety? Why do brides-to-be have breakdowns on a regular basis leading up to the big day? I know something I kept hearing was things will get better when it’s all over, but what about the months until it is in fact over?

When we’re giving advice to a friend about what vendor they might want to go with, too often we forget to share the emotions we were going through throughout the process. Now, I’m not saying to overwhelm the bride-to-be with all the things you felt went wrong on your big day or to try to compare your situation as a bride to theirs to make them feel better, but rather to offer some empathy when it’s most needed.

Sometimes all they may need is for you to listen and other times they might just need you to help them take their mind off of the whole topic of the wedding itself. I remember when I was having a breakdown about something which in hindsight was minor, my dear friend Sama made me stop what I was doing. She put on a Youtube video focused on Stress Alleviating Yoga and literally just made me follow the video. It was simple, yet so effective, and it was what I needed at that moment.

From the time of my engagement to the time of my wedding, I found it truly difficult to figure out who I was beyond a bride-to-be because that was what the majority of the conversations around me were based on. And though admittedly, many of those conversations were led by me, it’s something that at times can make you feel so lonely.

Sure, you have your groom to be who is really not as invested in all the little details as you are or may not feel as motivated to action something on the to-do list because they feel the wedding is so far away. And yes, you have your bridesmaids who are there for you, but at the end of the day, they have their own lives to attend to. You’ll have friends who may no longer feel like they can relate to you because you’re getting married, and you’ll have friends or family who will feel they can relate to you even more now that you’re getting married. And all along, you’re trying to figure out how much of you HAS really changed.

You have your family but sometimes your visions for your wedding (especially in South Asian families) may not necessarily align (for example with the size of the guest list) but in the end, a lot of it is on you. You and your spreadsheets and your sticky notes and your google calendar reminders.

Loneliness is something that a lot of us have been talking about but it’s something that we need to work on even more. I found it interesting that at a time when I was the centre of attention, I felt the most alone. No one could 100% relate to me and that was by no fault of theirs, it was just the situation I was in. Now I’m not saying this experience is true for every bride to be as we all deal with things differently and all of our situations are unique, but I do think it’s important that we recognize this.

Whether you’re going through this right now or you know someone who is going through this, make sure you check on them. Not necessarily about “how the wedding planning is going” but more along the lines of “how are you”. Because at the end of the day the wedding is an event (or a series of events) and it’s important to separate the person from the event. It may not seem like much, but sometimes that’s all we need, for someone to check-in, not on the event but on the individual.

Love Always,

Mahreen